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Giving And Caretakers - Prevent Yourself From Getting Involved In A Stressful Codependent Relationship
Takers and caretakers - they frequently seem to find each other! As a counselor who has worked with relationships for 37 years, I can tell you that this really is the most frequent romantic relationship dynamic that I encounter.
Takers are people who tend to be narcissistic - that is, they are self-centered with an excessive desire for attention and admiration.
The taker tries to control getting love, attention, approval or sex from others with anger, blame, violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, neediness, invasive contact, invasive energy, incessant talking and/or over emotional drama. The taker uses many forms of both overt and covert control to get the attention he or she desires.
Takers not only want lots of control, but are frequently afraid of being controlled and become overtly or covertly resistant to doing what someone else wants them to do.
The taker may resist with denial, defending, putting things off, rebellion, irresponsibility, indifference, withdrawal, deadness, numbness, rigidity, and/or incompetence.
Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants to care for the needs and wants of other individuals, even when others are capable of doing it themselves. Caretakers give to others from fear rather than love - they give to receive.
Neither takers nor caretakers assume responsibility for their own feelings and well being.
Takers generally attempt to have control over others' giving them the attention and affection they want in overt ways, while caretakers try to have control over getting approval in more covert ways, such as compliance, doing too much for other people, and/or withholding their desires and opinions.
Because neither takers nor caretakers are taking care of themselves, they will each end up feeling angry, resentful, confined, unappreciated, unseen, unloved, misinterpreted, and/or unacknowledged.
I tell my clients that whenever they feel this way in a relationship, it's simply because they're expecting the other person to give them what they are not giving to themselves.
When we are not seeing, valuing, acknowledging, or even understanding ourselves, and when we're not attending to our own wants and needs, we will usually really feel upset when others treat us just like we are treating ourselves.
Codependent relationships - relationships of two takers, two caretakers, or a taker as well as a caretaker - will often run into problems. A lot of people leave these relationships, only to discover the same problems in their next relationships.
Takers and caretakers can swap places in different relationships and over various issues, but the problems remain exactly the same - anger, resentment, distance, insufficient sexuality, boredom, feeling unloved and unloving.
There really is a method to heal this.
Relationships heal when people heal. When every partner does their inner work - for example practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach (Visit the Inner Bonding website for a free course) - their romantic relationship system heals.
This really is the mystery method to handling your love life. Stop ruining your relationships by using the annihilation method. Inner peace, self-confidence and resources like double your dating by david deangelo are wonderful ways to do your inner work and take responsibility for your love life.
Learning how to take100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in developing a healthy relationship.
Your feelings result from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, as opposed to from other individuals behavior.
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